


you're here, you're alive, and i love you

by redelle



Category: Shall We Date?: Obey Me!
Genre: Anxiety, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, M/M, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-11
Updated: 2020-12-11
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:28:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28006194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redelle/pseuds/redelle
Summary: you desperately grab onto memories of mammon telling you you're worth it, you're worth everything, but there's a swirling mess in your head and you know it, you know you're okay, but fuck—you don't believe it at all.
Relationships: Mammon (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!)/Reader
Comments: 6
Kudos: 139





	you're here, you're alive, and i love you

mammon's skin is warm and comforting on your back. he's curled in on you, arm a heavy anchor around your waist. his legs are tangled with yours and his breathing is a steady beat in your ear.

he's asleep and you're wide awake. the dark feels suffocating and weighted, and in it each passing second feels like a countdown for an explosion.

mammon had always been a comforting presence. he's warm, he's constant, and he had never failed to let you and the whole world know how much you mean to him. he's good, and he's made mistakes, but he makes up to you and apologizes—actually apologizes—every time.

you know this. you're constantly surrounded by his love and his warmth that there's no way you could doubt anything else. he loves you, and he wants you here.

you know it. 

_you know it_. so why do you feel like you want to just run away from all of it? why is there a sinking weight in your chest and a voice telling you that you're not worth the love?

mammon never made you feel otherwise, damn it. _why are you being such a baby?_

you desperately grab onto memories of mammon telling you you're worth it, you're worth everything, but there's a swirling mess in your head and you _know_ it, you _know_ you're okay, but _fuck_ —

you don't believe it at all.

hot tears race down your face and you try to sniff as quietly as you can. you grab at mammon's elbow to lift his arm from you so you can try to cry someplace not next to him, but you freeze when he groans and mumbles something in your ear.

you wait for a few seconds and try again, but he grumbles and says something again, louder and only a bit more understandable. you only catch the word "going", but that's enough for you to answer him.

you clear your throat and try to answer as clearly as you can. "bathroom."

he sniffs and obediently slips his arm away. he smushes his face onto your pillow when you get up and rolls over to your side of the bed.

the bathroom light hurts your eyes, but you keep them on as you click the door closed and turn the faucet on. you cup the water on your hands and run it down your face. the cold feels good and refreshing, and it does a good job of jolting you a bit.

looking at yourself in the mirror doesn't feel real. the water drops on your face are there, you can feel it, but the skin they cling to feels like a lie. you take a shuddering breath. _just sleep_. _you just need to sleep_.

you take one last look at the person in the mirror and exit the bathroom. you click the lights off and slip back into place beside mammon. he's quick to wrap his limbs around you and have your head settle on his chest.

there's a few beats of silence, before mammon says, "ya okay?" his voice is husky and heavy with sleep, but the comforting and assured way he rubs your back shows he's awake just enough.

_god,_ _that just makes you wanna cry more_. you choke down the sob on your throat. the only answer you can give him is a shake of your head and curling further into his warmth. 

mammon strokes your hair for a few more heartbeats. his voice is a bit clearer when he says, "ya don't wanna talk about it?"

you shake your head again and make a fist over his chest.

he presses a kiss to your temple. "okay, babe. okay. but hey." he gathers your hands and kisses your knuckles. he looks at you. his eyes are clear in the dark, full of warmth and love. "'m here, 'kay?" he presses a firmer kiss to your fingers. "'m here, an' you're here with me, and i love you. you're here and i love you, and i'm gonna love you 'til i croak 'n then forever after that."

he leans in to kiss your forehead. it's firm and it's grounding, and he presses it long enough that your eyes start watering again. the way he squeezes you lets you know what he wants the kiss to mean. "you're here, and you're gonna be good. we're gonna be good."

you choke down another sob and kiss mammon's shoulder. you squeeze him in your arms and fall asleep to whispers of how much he loves you, and how much he's glad you're here.


End file.
